Bah, Hum Bug! or, We Ain't Nothin' But Mammals, or, Bryce is 1/16th Somali

I never posted my New Year’s Resolutions. Sorry. While this post is about my diet, and it did start around the start of the year, this is not a resolution post. This is a “Bryce is pissed off” post.

I have long held the claim that the weight many people gain around the winter time holidays is normal and (some of you may need to close your eyes for this part) part of Evolution’s way of helping mammals humans live more comfortably in the cold of the winter. (I've even suggested that the clustering of these holidays with their traditions may be resultant). A few extra pounds should come on in the late Fall and come off in the early Spring. I think that seems entirely reasonable, though I never did take a class in anthropology, so I don’t know.

So why the hell did I lose 7 pounds over Christmas break?

Let me back up and give you a brief overview of my past medical history as it relates to my weight. When I moved back into my parents’ after graduating from college, I rediscovered how my dear mother kept the house stocked with several different flavors of ice-cream. This was presumably for my friends, but as I am old and they are all married, it was really just for me, but I don’t know.

However, I also got pretty sick over that summer, had my tonsils out, and the weight stayed level. Gain equals loss. Net change of zero pounds.

I moved to Ohio and lost about 3 pounds. I didn’t have buckets of ice-cream laying around anymore. This weight loss seemed reasonable and acceptable to me. I ran a little more. Over the next 12 months I lost one pound. This Fall I lost another two. Sum: loss 6 lbs.

Then comes Christmas 2007, and I notice I have to cinch all my belts down to the smallest loop. I can’t even wear my black belt anymore; if I forget a belt, my otherwise perfectly-fitting jeans literally fall of my hips. My cheeks became hollowed. Claudia notes, “Bryce, you look really thin.” Maybe she meant it to be a complement. I don’t know.

When I came home after break, I step on the scale. Then I decide that I need to put pictures of starving kids in Africa on the fridge door so that I remember to eat. I’d lost another 7 pounds. That put me at a BMI of 19.9; underweight is 18.5. W. T. F.?

To combat this, my roommate and I have thought about having a contest, like “The Biggest Loser” on opposite day. Maybe it’ll work. I don’t know.

To that end, do any of you nameless legion have suggestions as to effective weight-gaining diets? Do you know how to put on weight? Because obviously, I don’t know.

Check your own BMI here.

By way of an update, I've put back on three or four, I think. I've been eating like a horse. And for those of you not familiar, I'm actually 1/16th Samoan. Yeah, I know. The apple fell far from that tree. Ha ha ha. Real funny.