Wednesday, March 19, 2008

My Third-Life Crisis, or, Groundhogs STILL Taste Like Chicken, or, The Magnificent Mullet

One of the most memorable experiences I have had while in the OH has nothing to do with cadavers, classrooms, or even Ohio. Last year my friend Mark had the genius idea to go to Gobbler's Knob in Punxsutawney, PA in early February. Groundhog's Day will never be the same. It turned out to be one of the more memorable road trips I've taken. (Chris chronicled the experience here).

It was only logical, then, that we planned to attend again this year. Preparations began when we noticed the Mormon chapel practically next door to the Knob. What Providence! Chris took over the planning, and it spun out of control. Our little pilgrimage of 10 or so spiraled out of control and we had at least 50 YSAs sleeping in the hallway. One of the more comical experiences I've had; if The Bard had been Mormon, he would have had something like that night in one of his comedies. (Again, Chris's comments of this past year's trip here).

While there are some funny stories to tell from either year, I'm only going to focus on one. My preparation for this trip began last September. I usually wake up a bit slowly, but this morning I woke with a start. I had a sudden epiphany. Unless I fail Step 1, I will start my clinical rotations July 2008. That means that, for the next 5 to 8 years, I will constantly be subjectively evaluated by men and women over me. Now, I realize that the medical profession isn't the old-school conservative bastion that it used to be, but it is certainly more conservative than many other professions. I realized, as the early dawn's light filtered through the mini-blinds, that I was going to need to have a conservative haircut for the foreseeable future. Thus, being 26 (with the expected age of 78 or so), I entered into my third-life crisis.

I have never had a mullet or a real mohawk. Now, as I lay pondering on this sorrowful fact, I realized that I had never had EITHER of the two haircuts that any male really should have. I mean, at least one of them. I have had the shag. I've had crew cuts. I've done the missionary haircut. I've even shaved half of my head once. But here I am, significant portion of my life gone, and I've never had two of the most important. With only eight months, I didn't think it possible.

The plan became to grow the hair to suitable length and then enjoy the mullet whilst wandering the Wintery streets of Punxsy (I mean, when in Rome . . . ) and then trim it up, and enjoy the mohawk in May as I prepared for Step 1.

Below are the results of phase 1. (I should warn those of my readers not from the West. I presume most of you have met a Jewish male who, for cultural and/or religious purposes for a time, at least, grew out his prayer-curls. Well, I'm from Utah. I chose to do the mullet for the same reason).

For comparison, here is before.
Tension mounting.

I was getting pretty nervous right here.
(I'd never really seen Mallory cut hair.
I didn't want her to screw it up).


The finished product and the remnants in a ziploc. Why?
Best White-Elephant Ever.

Groundhogs DO taste like chicken.

We added steps later.
The receding hairline was there before.

Brother DeMoux grew a mustache for the event.


I tried to transition it into a flat-top mullet.

Me, Joe, and Vinay having a Hairy-Chest off.

Smart as he may be, Mark never learns.

This is just to prove to Mom that I actually eat.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Thanks To All The Crazies, or, Ameree's Going To Love This, or, Things That Would Make Me Put My Book Down In Church

Church can be a very interesting place. We've all heard those stories. You know, the ones about the most bizarre church meetings ever. I just released a ton of endorphins reading this collection of funny experiences from Sabbath activities. I was laughing out loud all day, but I should warn you, some of it is a bit irreverent; but it is still hilarious. You wouldn't like it, though, Clint.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The Mormons are Bitter, or, Why Be Funny When Someone Else Does It So Much Better,or, Isn't Plagiarism Neat?

I stole this from, not because I supported Mitt or these American Idol contestants (which I've never seen), but because I thought this was a great satire.

Huckabee Announces Candidacy for American Idol; Vows to Defeat Mormon Finalists

HOPE, ARKANSAS — Last Thursday night, America chose its top 12 finalists on Fox’s hit show, “American Idol.” On Friday, former presidential candidate and erstwhile Baptist preacher, Mike Huckabee announced he would campaign to win the nation’s biggest singing competition.

Despite the initial shock among the entertainment elite at the politician’s decision, Huckabee has a lot of support among his base of Evangelical Christians. They see two Mormons among the top twelve contestants, and clamor, “Who can stop them?”

“Naturally, I thought of Mike Huckabee,” said one Idol fan from rural Kansas. “He’s the one who can step in and stop these Satan-worshipers from winning and legitimizing their cult….’cause that’s what it is, a cult!”

Many in the Evangelical community revere Mike Huckabee for his surge in the Republican primaries, and credit his “Huckaboom” with derailing the campaign of a Mormon, Mitt Romney.

The supporter added, “If Romney took the White House, it would make his religion look legitimate and everybody would want to join his church, just like how I’m pretty sure lots of people became Methodists after George W. Bush got elected in 2000.”

Huckabee admits he does not know much about singing, but argues he knew nothing about foreign policy, tax policy, immigration policy, or really anything except how to play the bass guitar when he began his campaign for president in 2006.

“I’m sure I’ll learn how as I go along” Huckabee said about the ins and outs of the singing competition, “the important thing is, I need to give the voters a choice. I want them to know I am the Christian Singer running for American Idol, and that they won’t find that in David Archuleta or Brooke White.”

“One more thing: Whenever either of the Mormons in the top twelve tries to out-sing me, by definition, they are engaging in negative singing. I hope voters reject their vicious attacks and vote for me.” Huckabee said.

At the end of the interview, almost as an afterthought, Huckabee asked, innocently, “Hey, don’t Mormons,” he paused, “believe singing brings glory to Satan, whom they worship?”

Update: Since our exclusive interview with Mike Huckabee, his surrogate, Charles “Chuck” Norris, has attacked David Archuleta as “too old” for the job of American Idol. Norris asserts that, based on the way past American Idols have aged under the stress of the prize, the 16 year-old Archuleta would be 84 by the time his first record goes platinum.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics, or, Living on the Edge

Funny. But completely wrong. And here’s why.

Standard Bell Curve

The bell curve is a fine model for various things. However, it fails as a model for dating/marriage for several, crucially important reasons.

First, the bell curve has no lower limit. Repeat. There is no lower age limit. If you can’t see the problem with this then GO AWAY! Second, the wide range. Simply not the way it goes. The list goes on, but gets increasingly boring.

A far better fit for this cartoon would have been the Boltzmann distribution, developed by this dude.

Boltzmann Distribution

Ignore the labels on the axes and what-not. Obviously the first, most important point, is that it just looks so much cooler. Well, that and the fact that there is an absolute lower limit. Now, that obviously has to be about age. But above that, I think, the label for the independent axis would change just to “uniqueness,” or maybe "strangeness." But then we'd get into a discussion on relativity, as perspective is everything with both of those terms. So maybe it's just the inverse of normalcy, or, "1/normalcy."

Now, I realize this last bit is something of a self-fulfilling prophecy, as I really am posting about how a Boltzmann distribution better describes marriageability than a standard bell curve, thus pushing myself WAY over to the right, but it’s truth, and if you actually know me, this shouldn’t surprise you in the least. But I think it fits the general population better, too.

So anyway, somewhere, way up in the tail of the Boltzmann Distribution, is the girl for me. That's what it should've said.