Chris is a Flight Genius, or, On Saving 69 cents.

For those of you who didn't know, I'm in Africa. And I'm pissed, because Toto has had me so excited for years about the Africa. There haven't been any rains here. What a waste of a trip. Anyway, I'll try to post some updates of what we've actually done while here, but the only time I've had to actually write was while on the plane over here a week ago. And without further ado:

Far and away this has been the most difficult trip I've ever been on. It started out with my roommate not having a single item in his suitcase 15 minutes before we had planned to leave for the airport. Well, I suppose it really started for him when it took me 10 minutes to buy my plane ticket, and since I'd just bought a ticket it increased the price for his flight – which he was not able to change after more than an hour on the phone. (The fare came back down later that day). At the airport, it continued with the plane taking us to DC having a mechanical failure. After waiting in the long line, we spoke with the gate agent who rebooked us. Now we were to be routed through London and would not arrive until more than 12 hours after planned in Cape Town. At this point I was fairly content to sit and read my novel, but Chris whipped out his trusty iTouch and, exploring options on Travelocity.com, found what he thought to be a superior option. The gate agent told him that particular flight was not available. Chris, however, was not to be so easily deterred. After finding another flight, through Chicago and Amsterdam, he thought it worth another shot – but I had to go bug the agent this time. Knowing I had to spend the next 6 weeks in pretty close quarters with Chris, I thought it best to humor him, though I had little hope.

To my chagrin, it worked. Chris approached the counter, looked at me and said, “I am a flight genius.” I was forced to agree. If the whole psychiatry gig doesn't work out, he should totally just work expedia.com for people. The connections worked, and we were booked for Amsterdam to get to Capetown at about our original destination. This was great, because the hostel we'd arranged for that night (from the airport – late, admittedly, but still) had required a 10% deposit. It came to USD 1.38. Split between us, that is 69 cents each.

While we did have to see the gate agent in Chicago because Chris didn't get all the right papers from the Columbus agent, we had a nice little flight to Amsterdam. Our connection time was short, and so we quickly printed out our boarding passes for the Cape Town flight from a self-serve kiosk. Since I'm a good person, and karma is real, mine printed without a hitch. Chris's, on the other hand, said that he had to see a gate agent. You can draw your own karmic conclusions. Now we had a new problem, though. Finding an agent. It took us at least 10 minutes to find where the gate agents were. Probably because they were not at the gate, like you might expect. There wasn't even an agent in the same terminal. Turns out that since they wear such nice periwinkle uniforms, they like to cluster the gate agents together. Gives them more of an effect, I suppose.

After watching the agent work on a computer with two different phones glued to her ears for at least 15 minutes, it became clear we were not going to make our flight. Since we don't have phones or any real plans in S. Africa yet, we elected to stay together and started discussing what two things we could do in our 24 hour layover in Amsterdam. (Incidentally, do vacation rules apply in Amsterdam? Or do their lack of rules negate the traveling rule of acceptable rule-breaking?) After our original boarding time had passed, the agent suddenly printed out two boarding passes and said, “Run to your gate.” Obedient young men that we are, we double-timed it across two terminals only to be asked by the security guard, “Why are you so late? Everyone is waiting for you two!”

Not everyone appreciates what a flight genius Chris is, evidently.

Folgers and the Sacrament Cup Redux, or, What I Did Last Saturday, or, Omphaloskepsis

Last Saturday was our ward talent show. This is what I did. You may remember it from here.

Depressing Realization of the Time Period, or, Why I Hate William Harvey

Some people dream of awesome things, like flying or interacting with beautiful people. Some dream about crazy things, like teeth falling out. Some dream about high-school puppy love but wake-up screaming curses (my sister is awesome).

Not me. I'm old and boring.

I dreamed last night about preparing my presentation and powerpoint slides for a conference six weeks away. The dream was detailed - I remember typing out the bullets. In an outline format. I even remember what those bullet points were.

My life is average.

Best TV Intros of the Time Period, or, I Have Too Much Time On My Hands

First impressions and introductions are funny things. We judge people by them, and ignore later contrary evidence. Of course, this isn't just with people. We judge albums by their cover-art. I remember not buying the first book in a series for several years because the cover was too dorky looking. It later turned out to be my favorite book saga to date.

TV is no different really. Some shows have awesome intros, some have crappy ones. Think of that happy, care-free tune during the intro to The Office. You can hear it now, and if you’re like me, you are starting to laugh a little. I think I have been classically conditioned to expect funniness is coming when I hear that ditty. (We won’t speak of the past season or two).

Other intros channel awe, or wonder. Think of the LOST intro. That ethereal sound as the word spins across the screen combined with the narrow depth of field giving a blurry focus to it and the lack of anything else just seems to add to the questions surrounding the show.

Or there’s this intro, for Dexter, a show about your everyday-average-likeable-serial-killer-next-door. Somehow this just hits the spot between creepy and relatable.

My personal favorite introduction comes from a show that I actually do not enjoy all that much anymore, Rescue Me. But the music, the lighting, and the speed just work so well that it becomes, well, incredible.

However, the award for Best TV Show Intro has got to go to David Lynch’s Twin Peaks. The beautiful pastoral scene with its accompanying relaxing and melodious music makes one think of a hypnotist at work, and forms a stark contrast to the insanity of the show’s characters.

Of course, I have neglected many other great TV intros. What are some of your favorites?

Best of the Year (Part Whatever), or Books of 2009

Unlike last year, which was filled with tons of great new books, this year was a mediocre one for reading. At least for reading for enjoyment. I read about half as many books this year, too. However, there are a few that I read that were quite notable:

1. The Gathering Storm, Robert Jordan/Brandon Sanderson.

This was a relief. This is the 12^th book in a series I started in 4^th grade. The author died of a type of blood cancer a few years ago, and fans despaired of ever seeing the end. Brandon Sanderson was brought on board, and then the worry became how he could ever take over the reins of such a massive project. Well, he not only took the reins, he whipped the horses into a gallop. It was a great book, and made me very excited for the next two volumes.

2. The Perfect Mile, Neal Bascomb. A prize-winning book, this told the story of not only Bannister’s 4-min mile, but also of the other athletes at the time who were chasing the records and the amazing show-down race that occurred between them shortly thereafter. Tightly written and fun, unlike many history books, this book also captured the excitement of track racing quite well.

3. Born to Run, Chris McDougall.

As many of you know, I have started doing a fair amount of my running barefoot. I came across this book late in my research on unshod running, but it is a very fun and interesting read that does a good job of not only telling the important anthropologic story of the Tara Humara Native Americans, it also presents some of the research that has been done on footwear.

4. Cat’s Cradle, Vonnegut.

My friend Mark recommended this to me, but warned me that everything Vonnegut wrote related to how messed up living through the firebombing of Dresden had made him. The book was fantastic, but definitely endorsed a bleak/nihilistic outlook on life. It is told with the frame of a made-up, ultimately pointless religion called Bokononism. Below is a quote from the last chapter.

“’Maturity, the way I understand it,’ he told me, ‘is knowing what your limitations are.’ / He wasn’t far from Bokonon in defining maturity. Maturity,’ Bokonon tells us, ‘is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything.’”

5. The Alchemist, Coelho

This was an interesting little metaphysical piece that explores the idea of growth through adversity. It endorses a type of foreordination that seems popular – if you are determined to accomplish something, all of the universe will bend to try and help you accomplish it. I read it immediately after reading Cat’s Cradle, and to say it was jarring is an understatement.

6. Pride & Prejudice, Austen

Although I’ve been through her home/museum, this was my first introduction to Austen. I found it intriguing, and disappointing. Let me first say this. Elizabeth Bennet kicks some serious ass. I was so impressed with this novel from a feminist perspective. Written in the early 19^th C, this strong female protagonist with very clear individualistic ideas and actions was interesting. I was, however, very disappointed in Mr. Darcy and the “romance” that developed. He seemed a flat character, and I was confused as to the passion that developed between these two characters. But maybe I’m just bitter.

7. When You Are Engulfed in Flames, David Sedaris

Actually, I did the right thing and let David Sedaris read this book to me. He is hilarious. I do, however, take some serious issue with the Sedaris family point-of-view on the bowtie.

8. Best Served Cold, Joe Abercrombie

Abercrombie really loves dark, flawed characters. The development he takes them through somewhat reminds me of Ludlum’s Jason Borne (the book is far better than the excellent movie, by the way).

9. Once A Runner, John L Parker, Jr

If only I could run two miles, every day. Every day. And grow a beard. Or read an hour a day.

I read a handful of others, but these were the best. As you can see, it’s mostly a list of running books and fantasy novels, but I promise I like to read other things too. If you have any comments or recommendations, I would love to hear them.

Bad Omens, or, Screwed by Genetics

My brother is not only far better looking than I am, he's also a much better person. And look what happened to his boys.

Christmas Eve, 2009

I think this is a sign that I should either not have children myself, or never, ever, ever, under any circumstance, allow him to interact with my children at all.

Movies of the Year, or, Look, A Bandwagon!

I guess I’ll jump on the bandwagon and do a “Movies of the Year” post. Having not seen as many films this year, though, compared to previous years, this is going to be a weak list.

Favorite Films of the Year:
Fantastic Mr. Fox – Holy smokes. Wes Anderson is a slugger.
Zombieland – Woody Harrelson was born to play this role. And the cameo at the end is genius.
Avatar – I don’t care that it’s the same as Pocahontas or Dances With Wolves.
Up – Pixar did it again. Not as awesome as Ratatouille, but definitely in their top 3.
Dear Zachary, - The most raw and emotional film I can imagine. And it’s a true story.
I Love You, Man - Anwar Sudat will never be just a Nobel Peace Prize winner again.

Somehow missed, and plan to repent:
District 9
The Watchmen
The Informant!
The Princess and the Frog
The Road
Sin Nombre
Up In The Air
Where the Wild Things Are

Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs
Brothers
Crazy Heart
In The Loop
An Education
I can’t decide if Inglorious Basterds belongs on this list.

Movies Redeemed by Outside Forces:
Terminator: Salvation (Turn off your phone!)

Recovery From Bitterness, or, Liberal Memes

When people actually choose to work together, the results can be amazing.

Music of the Year, 2009 ed., or, I'm Still Cool, I think. I hope. Maybe?

I went to another sing-in of Handel’s Messiah this year. It was very pleasant, and very amateur, but it reminded me of how much I really do love that oratorio. That, in turn, made me think about all of the other amazing music I’ve listened to this year. Which, in turn, made me think that I needed to blog about said music. So, without further delay, here are some of my favorite albums of 2009.

1. Arcade Fire, Neon Bible. Oh. My. Gosh.

2. Vampire Weekend, Vampire Weekend. Weak, I know. This is a 2008 album. I don’t care, because this album hit me with a vengeance this year. I mean, this entire album just rocks. I’ve witnessed it make a 23 yo female have a near-epileptic attack from the compulsion to dance and I’ve also seen it keep a car full of three typically-noisy kids quietly occupied for a 20 minute car ride to the fish store. Unbelievable. And not to mention the sweet tunes. I really can’t wait for Contra, the sophomore album to come out on 01/11/10.



3. Phoenix, Wolfgang Amadeus Phoneix. I heard about this band first on NPR’s All Songs Considered. A French band that sings only in English, hearing their interview I was very unenthused. Then they started playing, and I stopped caring that they were Frogs. These guys rock. I saw them live this month, too. Really, just great, fun sounds. Listen close to their drummer. And that vibrating tone at the end of “Rome” was honestly the coolest noise I’ve ever heard at a live show.

They opened with “Lisztomania” in the C-bus, too.

4. The National, Boxer. Wait, this one is a 2007 album. See #2. Except I hadn’t heard of them at all until this year. I freaking love this guy’s baritone. I mean, really, really, love his voice. And yes, since you asked, I would marry it.
.

5. Animal Collective, Merriwether Post Pavillion. This feels like a cop-out to me, to choose Animal Collective as one of my year’s best. Everyone else is doing it. But they’re doing it for a reason. This album was not an instant winner – I had to listen to it a couple of times before it grew on me – but then it was like cancer, except the fun kind that led to more and more enjoyment, not the other sad depressing kind. By the way, what is it about writing about music that makes people use horrible imagery? I mean, that wasn't the worst thing I've ever written, but it's up there.



6. Various, Dark Was The Night. This is another total cop-out. But an awesome one. Besides being such a great title, this is a 2-disc compilation put together as an AIDS benefit. That should be enough reason in some of your heads - with my liberal bleeding-heart, how could I not put something like that in my “Best of 2009” list? You’re right, I had to.

7. Brad Paisley, American Saturday Night. Some silly lyrics. Great guitar work. It works. Americana through and through.



8. We Are Scientists, Brain Trust Mastery. Yes, made famous by the Nick & Norah show, but this is a great album in its own right.

9. Oren Lavie, The Opposite Side of the Sea. I don’t usually like music videos, and I don’t usually consider them art. This video is definitely the exception to the rule. I link to the youtube videos just because I’m lazy and don’t want to hassle with uploading mp3 files and then linking just them. This video of Her Morning Elegance, co-directed by Lavie, is definitely the exception, and you should watch it for sure.


10. Blind Pilot, 3 Rounds and A Sound. I heard about these guys while driving to church at 6:45 one morning. I was so excited about them I had to pull out my phone, call myself, and leave the band name on my voicemail so I would remember the name. And then I missed their show in Salt Lake the weekend after Thanksgiving because I had to give a stupid talk on stupid Sunday about keeping the stupid Sabbath day holy. Stupid Karma.





Honorable Mentions:

a. The Sounds, Crossing the Rubicon. Unashamed pop.

b. Yeah Yeah Yeah’s, It’s Blitz. One of my friend’s favorite bands, I missed out on their show this year because of a stupid rotation. Super-pop at its best. While I didn’t listen to it enough for it to qualify as one of my favorites, it really is a great album.

c. The Mountain Goats, The Life of the World to Come. Probably one of the most interesting albums, as each song is based off a biblical passage. I think this didn’t make my favorites list simply because I had such high expectations after last year’s Heretic Pride. Still, though, this is a great album, and it’s all Biblically based. Sunday approved!

d. Built to Spill, There is no Enemy. I have liked this band for a while, but they had fallen off my radar until this year. I went up to Boise, ID for an interview for work. My flight got in early, and I didn’t know anyone in town. So I looked up concerts in Boise. Built to Spill was playing for $10 later that night. I hitched a ride over there, bought a ticket, walked to Beto’s, and then listened to the weirdest set of opening bands ever. A Hank Williams solo act followed by a speed metal band followed by an indie-rock band and finally the band I wanted to see. I quickly remembered why I’d liked them so much. The album is solid, but I particularly like the song “Hindsight.”

e. Dirty Projectors, Bitte Orca. Similar enough to Animal Collective that they got bumped down here, but still a very good record.




So, there’s my (latest) attempts at being a hipster; too bad I'm not more comfortable in skinny jeans. This is some of the stuff I loved in 2009. What about you?

(Hopefully) The Last Time That Will Happen, or, On Temples, or, Training for Life

I have not lived in Bountiful for over five years. Count them. Today I gave my fourth talk in my parents' church in that time. Count that. Can I take this opportunity to whine? I mean, isn't part of the benefit of moving out the fact that you do not "have the opportunity" to give a talk or hold a calling in the old ward anymore? And four times? I mean, I'm supposed to be on vacation! Am I the only one this seems ridiculous to?

Although I do not want to turn this blog into a religious rant site, I am posting my church talk below again. As I mentioned before, talks are, I think, a particular challenge for me to write. Again, by way of warning, although I have written the talk out word-for-word, please remember that this was intended to be spoken, not read.

On Temples, or, Training for Life

Today I would like to ostensibly talk about Temples, but specifically I want to talk about the strength that comes into one’s life by living correct principles; but first, a bit about me. I competed in several triathlons this year. I use the word “competed” here in the loosest possible sense. Obviously crossing the finish line and the thrill associated with the finish was a great feeling. However, the reason I engaged in these races was not to finish fastest. I did not race to win; I did not race to beat the other competitors. The race served as a goal for me to fix my eyes on as I prepared for the tasks required. A prize that I could visualize as I trained and tried to drag myself to a gym last winter. A boring gym. In a boring winter.

I would like to suggest that the race is similar to the Temple – and that training for the race is analogous to preparing ourselves to enter the Temple. All analogies are flawed, and my point is not to suggest that the ordinances we receive in the temple setting are unimportant. But by training, by preparing ourselves, by becoming worthy to enter the House of the Lord, and then by maintaining that high level of performance, that high level of worthiness, that high level of Christian living – doing those things required to enter the Temple are what I see as the real payoff of being a temple attending individual. Obviously, if you so believe, there are also the small payoffs and prizes of salvation and exaltation associated with the ordinances as well.

Turning to a talk from General Conference. Brigham Young, in the April 1861 conference, lends some support to this idea that the preparatory process associated with temple worship is a vital portion of the temple experience. In a talk about why Jesus had not yet returned, he discussed how every job requires the proper tool. For fishing, poles, boats, and nets are all requisite. To save the people, he says, a Temple is required. Listen to his words: “If we are to be saved in an Ark as Noah and his family were, it will be because we build it.” The Lord commanded Noah to build his Ark. Brigham continues with his reasoning, “If we build a Temple here, it will be because we need one. And if we really need one, we are going to go to work and build it. Will we count the cost? No!” If salvation is our goal, what import is a worldly cost to us? “I care not what it will cost, so long as we are occupied in a good work, it keeps us out of mischief and unrighteousness. . . If you wish this Temple built, go to work and do all you can this season. Some say, ‘I do not like to do it, for we never began to build a Temple without the bells of hell beginning to Ring.’ I want to hear them ring again. All the tribes of hell will be on the move if we uncover the walls of this temple, but what will it amount to?”

For some of our younger friends in the audience, let me first briefly describe the temple. The temple is a place we go to engage in sacred ceremonies and make covenants with God. The ceremonies are a formal way prepared to teach some of the same material taught in the scriptures, namely, that we are children of God, we have sinned and fallen out of his presence, and that Jesus Christ was sent to redeem us. These doctrines are presented in a slightly different way, but there is nothing new or particularly earth-shattering in the doctrine presented. Which is to say, there is nothing surprising or crazy that goes on there. The covenants we make in the temple are also straightforward. The temple covenants are natural extensions of the covenant we just renewed by taking the Sacrament of the Lord’s Supper, where we covenanted to be willing to take upon us the name of Christ. In the temple, we make further covenants that are in accordance with taking upon us His name; we covenant to obey the commandments, we covenant to sacrifice for the Lord, we covenant to live the gospel, and we covenant obey the law of chastity.

Let me illustrate with a historical example how these covenants affect our lives. Previously, as the Saints were fleeing the United States in 1846, there was much hardship. Many left too late in the season. Many of us have ancestors that were in these parties. We know these stories well, where westbound groups met many different hardships. Mud, snow, Indians, marauders, disease, hunger. When word reached the leaders, relief parties were rallied, almost instantly. Listen again to President Young after hearing about one of the struggling groups of West-bound Saints. He says, “Now is the time for labor. Let the fire of the covenant which you made in the House of the Lord, burn in your hearts, like flame unquenchable.” The wagons, unsurprisingly, soon rolled East to rescue the stranded Saints.

“What was it that gave those early Saints such strength, such drive, and such determination to face the great challenges of the work of the Lord?” Elder Bednar asked in a recent conference. It was the fire of the covenant that burned in their hearts, a covenant made clear in the temple. It was their commitment to worship and honorably hold a name and stand. It was their commitment to live worthy to bear such a name as “Christian.” It was their commitment to live worthy to enter the Temple. It was their commitment to prepare. We have all committed to be willing to take upon ourselves the name of Christ. Will we, brothers and sisters, live up to these covenants and stand in the Lord’s house, prepared, as he has asked?

The most nourishing doctrine of our Church is perhaps the Eternal nature of families. It would simply not be “heaven” to us as Mormons if we were not to be united with our parents, our grandmas and grandpas, our eternal companions (knock on wood) and our posterity. This union, this cementing of family ties, comes through the sealing power used in the sacred ordinances of the temple.

The most satisfying doctrine, to me, is that of universal ordinance work. By vicariously performing ordinances for all for the sons and daughters of Adam and Eve, God effectively removes the ordinance variable from the equation of exaltation. By making it a universal common denominator, God effectively “cancels out” these necessary ordinances, thereby providing these blessings to all of his children, regardless of their situation in life. What more satisfying, glorious principle can exist?

As we attend the Temple, we not only foster a greater sense of community by seeing each other working to prepare to meet God, but when we attend the Temple we are also constantly reminded of the potential that our fellow human beings have. From our close ward friends to those other ward members we don’t get along with so well, from our neighbors to strangers; when we attend the temple we are reminded of THEIR divine potential. We realize THEIR great worth. Although he never attended the Mormon temple, CS Lewis had great insight into this principle and saw the powerful blessings associated with community worship. From his sermon, “The Weight of Glory,” he says,“ It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses. To remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you may talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and corruption such as you now meet – if at all – only in a nightmare.

“All day long we are in some degree helping each other to one or the other of these destinations. It is in light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another. All friendships. All loves. All play. All politics.

“**There are no ordinary mortal. You have never talked to a mere mortal. . . but it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit. . . next to the blessed sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses. If he is your Christian neighbor, he is holy in almost the same way, for in him also Christ vere latitat, the glorifier and the glorified, Glory Himself, is truly hidden.” In him, our neighbor, is God.

As we prepare to enter the Temple we are constantly reminded of our neighbors worth. Of the eternal and glorious destiny of all of our Father in Heaven’s children. This, the true Spirit of Elijah, the recognizing that all who now live, all who have lived, and those yet to come, are part of our heavenly family. They all deserve our love, respect and service. Everyone. The Petersons. The Clarks. The Marstons. The Mormons. The Catholics. The Muslims. The Jews. The Atheists. They all deserve our love, respect and service. This, the Spirit of Elijah, is one of the central themes taught in the Temple. That everyone is deserving of our love, respect and service is one of the basic tenets of leading a good life.

The Temple is a wonderful place; the Temple functions as a place of focus, a reminder of how to live our lives, a prize to remind us how to train for the race of life. The Temple acts as a place to remind ourselves of our relationship with God, a place to remind us of the potential worth of our fellow man, and a place to help us understand the eternal nature of families. But the Temple also acts as a goal, a reminder, a glittering prize that we can focus on as we strive to live our lives in a better way. May we all bring ourselves in line with the teachings of Christ and thus enjoy a richer life, enjoying the blessings associated with being prepared, is my prayer, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Strokes of Genius, or, You're Sitting On A Goldmine

I mean, seriously?

OVERHEARD LINES; or, Mormons are Amish, too, or, On the Relationship Status, or, It's Complicated (x12)

Chick: Does your religion believe in Facebook?

Nerd Stuff of the [Time Period], or, Science is Awesome

Click here for an explanation, if you don't get it. And if you thought that was funny, watch this video below. Otherwise, you should probably skip it.

Can you believe it has been 10 years since The Matrix came out? The movie is still incredible. But this tribute may be even more incredible than the original:

I thought this was just fun. But remember, Carl Sagan said, "The beauty of a living thing is not the atoms that go into it, but the way those atoms are put together."

Speaking of atoms, please, please click over here and play with the slide bar along the bottom of the frame. It is one of the best examples of orders of magnitude I have ever seen. And just friggin' sweet.

Mom, stop reading here. You too, Aunt Janet.


Click here to see a picture of the ultimate owning in online chatting. Really, really awesome. Nerds are already taking over the world. One chat room at a time. Even the dirty ones.

Best Movie of the [Time Period], or, The Fantastic Mr Fox

Exceptional. Just plain exceptional. Best use of my night, for sure.

The animation, the story, the dialogue, the characters riddled with depth and believability despite their, well, obvious problem of being-drawn-images-of-animals-dressed-in-human-clothing, combine to make The Fantastic Mr Fox one of the best films I've seen this year.

Perhaps my favorite scene in the film included this bit of dialogue.

Mr. Fox: I'm trying to tell you the truth about myself.

Mrs. Fox: I don't care about the truth about yourself.

And if you see the movie the fact that this is my favorite line does not make it seem like I'm a bitter, crotchety bachelor with misogynistic views of the problems in relationships. Or just stupid. Or just a hopeless romantic. If you see the movie (which you should), you will simply be forced to agree with me that these lines are a really beautiful and clever use of words, and are but one great moment in an exceptional film.

Just plain exceptional.

OVERHEARD LINES: Welcome To Church, or, Kleptomaniacs Anonymous

In the foyer at Church:

Guy: I heard the woven cable bike locks are the hardest to get through.

Dude: Eh - they're not so tough.

Last Time That Will Happen, or, Keeping The Sabbath Day Holy, or, Why I Hate Sunday, or, My Sacrament Talk

Clearly I haven't been writing much lately. This past month I was all over interviewing for residency, but I just got back home. I have had a few ideas for upcoming posts, including The Adventures of a Mormon Sommelier, and the Best TV Opening Credits Ever. But, most recently I wrote a talk for my church services, where the homilies or sermons are typically given by a couple members of the congregation. I was the concluding speaker and went until the normal time, but the Bishop stood and took about 7 minutes after me. I am not sure whether I am proud of this or embarrassed -- or maybe it was completely unrelated. While he did not clearly recant any of my words for me, he may have been trying to. It was difficult for me to write this talk, so I thought I would share it here. By way of preface, please remember this was written to be spoken, not read, and intended it to be humorous frequently. Some Most of those jokes fell flat. Surprise, surprise.

Why I Hated Sundays

Brothers and Sisters, I hate Sundays. Or at least, I used to hate them. Now I just don’t look forward to them very much. Why? Well, first and foremost, background. The Sabbath, by Hebrew definition, means “day of rest.” When the Lord gave the command to Moses to “Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy” he also added, “Six days you shall labor and do all your work.” Josephus, the First Century historian, wrote that the Sabbath day was “set apart from labor and dedicated to learning our customs and laws.” This teaching nicely dovetails with D&C 59:10 where the Lord instructs that the “Sabbath Day is appointed unto you to rest from your labors and to pay thy devotions unto the Most High.” (Incidentally, we have the Jewish labor unions of the 19^th century to thank for the 5 day workweek and 2 day weekend. Since a large portion of workers were Jewish and wanted Saturday off to worship the labor bosses capitulated. But since an even greater portion of workers wanted Sunday, “the Lord’s Day” to worship, we got both days off, and road trips became possible.) And what do we do as Mormons do with that two day weekend? I believe it is summarized well in the 14^th Article of Faith:

We believe in meetings, all that have been scheduled, all that are now scheduled, and we believe that there will yet be many great and important meetings scheduled. We have endured many meetings and hope to be able to endure all meetings. Indeed, we may say that if there is a meeting or anything that resembles a meeting or anything that we may possibly turn into a meeting, we seek after these things. (Robert Kirby, SL Tribune)

On a more serious note, part of the reason I have not always looked forward to Sundays is epitomized in an experience I had in Elder’s Quorum last week. Before the Bishop or President Moody have conniptions, this experience was in my parents’ ward in Utah. Priesthood opening exercises were good – great even. A boldly sung hymn. Warm welcomes. Elder’s quorum started out with the usual announcements and invitations to do service in the middle of the workday. With about 30 minutes left of the block, a teacher came to the front of the room and an iPod was turned on. For the remainder of the time, Elder Holland’s talk from this past session of conference was played. En toto. That was the lesson. Approximately 3 minutes of comments were made at the end of the lesson. Then we dismissed. While Elder Holland’s is a good talk – some may even say an instant classic – I will confess I took little from the class other than a sense of bewilderment that I had to listen to the same material a second time, and that the opportunity to discuss and explore these inspired words in a more personal setting was being completely ignored.

But remember, I don’t hate Sundays anymore, even though this stellar EQ lesson was just last week. Why don’t I hate them anymore? Let me turn to one of my favorite passages from the Epistles: Paul wrote: (1Cor13:11 NRSV)

“When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I put an end to childish ways.”

When I was a little younger, I expected to come to church and be, served plugged in and recharged. I expected to come and have others take care of my spiritual needs. I came to church expecting not only to be fed, but to be spoon-fed.

Brothers and sisters, this is obviously the wrong attitude. Church is not here to let us sit back and become better people. Now please do not misunderstand me. I am not trying to say that I have "put away all my childish ways" and am now a "man" in all gospel-senses. I am only trying to say that I think I have moved past this one childish thought. Let me use another favorite scripture. Moroni, near the end of his life, wrote (Mormon 9:27) “. . . hearken unto the words of the Lord, and ask the Father in the name of Jesus for what things soever ye shall stand in need. Doubt not, but be believing, . . . and come unto the Lord . . . and work out your own salvation with fear and trembling before him.” Moroni here tells us that the purpose of the gospel, including the Sabbath day, is to learn. He also says that it is our responsibility to learn it. We need to figure it out individually. Sometimes that means 9 hours of meetings on Sunday. It almost always means that the Sabbath is not a day of rest anymore, like I wanted it to be as a child. The Sabbath may not be the most restful day anymore, but that is okay. To quote Eugene England, “If we constantly approach the Church as consumers, we will never partake of its sweet and filling fruit. Only if we can lose our lives [in church service] will we find ourselves.” “If we only ask ‘What has the Church done for me?’ we will not think to ask the much more important question, ‘What am I doing with the opportunities for service and self-challenge with which the Church provides me?’” (England, Why the Church is as True as the Gospel.)

No church talk about keeping the Sabbath Day Holy would be complete without a discussion of “do’s and don’ts.” Guidelines certainly exist for keeping the Sabbath day holy, but they are inadequate. The only appropriate set of guidelines that I have found for appropriate Sabbath day activity is this: you should be doing things on Sunday to help yourself and others become better people. For a professional cyclist, he or she may not feel it appropriate to go for a bike ride on Sunday. For the rest of us who do not get to ride bikes much, Sunday may be a wonderful day to take that opportunity to enjoy God’s Green Earth from a bike saddle. Indulge me for a moment on this topic; while preparing for this talk, I came across a blog that had a posting regarding Sabbath day activity lists, asking for commenters to add their own insights into what they, and their typically young families did or did not do on Sundays. It seemed to quickly devolve into something of keeping-up-with-the-Joneses. One commenter would say they didn’t watch team sports on Sundays. The next would say they only watched Discovery Channel, and that as a family. The next said that they never watched TV on Sundays. The next said that they sold their TVs and were forging ahead with a plan to feed the world. Not only did these comments not seem helpful, they started creating a sense of anxiety in me. I watch TV. I have not been working for world peace enough, and so on. Am I not doing what is right? I want to share a word of caution that my grandfather once gave to my sweet mother, who was an accomplished violinist. When mom was about 14, she was asked to perform a piece in church. She practiced and practiced, but she choked when the time came and did not do so well. She of course was devastated. But Grandpa Kirton came to the rescue, taking her into the front room, sitting her down, and saying, “My sweet Collie, you are good enough.” He went on to say that by comparing herself to others, she was setting herself up to either be puffed up in pride or racked with self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy. Comparing yourself to others is a good way of setting yourself up to fail, because you will always come up short in some aspect. So it is with Sabbath Day observance. I hope we can remember that, while there are basic guidelines, each individual and each family’s path, is, ultimately, their own path. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Your best is good enough.

Allow me to discuss another reason why attending church and keeping the Sabbath day holy are important. Martin Luther wrote that “Marriage is the school of love.” Note that he did not say that marriage is the product or result or home or goal of love. Marriage is the school. Marriage is what teaches someone how to love. I think part of the reasoning behind this is because at times, I have heard, you want to murder your companion. But marriage does not just teach you how to not kill your companion; rather, marriage teaches you how to deal with and love and cherish your companion. Church, similarly, is the school of godliness. At least half of you, if you had the choice, would choose to never associate with me. At least half. Yet here you are. Forced to associate with me. Typically, we see each other at least once a week. And by that forced association, you are made better people. Not by associating with me, necessarily (though that is often the case – eg Chris Sorensen). But in learning to deal with and work alongside and worship together with people that you would otherwise choose to avoid. By doing this we all become a little more, well, Godlike. Is there anything more Godlike than learning to care for and take responsibility “for the personal and marital, the physical and spiritual welfare of people we may not already love [or] (may even heartily dislike)[?], and thus we learn to love them. It stretches and challenges us, even when we are disappointed and exasperated in ways we would not otherwise choose to be stretched and challenged. . . [church] gives us a chance to be made better than we may have chosen to be – but ultimately want to be.” (E. England, Why the Church is as True as the Gospel –edited with brackets). Is it any wonder that attending church meetings is such an important part of keeping the Sabbath day holy?

Let me close with the words of President Spencer W. Kimball, “We do not go to Sabbath meetings to be entertained or even solely to be instructed. We go to worship the Lord. It is an individual responsibility, and regardless of what is said from the pulpit, if one wishes to worship the Lord in spirit and truth, he may do so by attending his meetings, partaking of the sacrament, and contemplating the beauties of the gospel. If the service is a failure to you, you have failed. No one can worship for you. (Ensign, Jan 1978, p4-5, emphasis mine).

What beautiful opportunities the Sabbath presents us with. A chance to mingle and serve people we do not always want to be around, a chance to actively pursue our spiritual needs, and a chance, as Josephus said, to take a day “set apart from labor and dedicated to learning our customs and laws” and finally, the Sabbath presents us with a chance, to practice true religion which James, the brother of Jesus, wrote that (James 1:27) “Religion (and I might add Sabbath observance) that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to care for orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.” That is the only “do’s and don’t’s” list I will give. And that is why I don’t hate Sundays anymore.

So What If It Was On A Treadmill?

5 miles. Barefoot. Felt great.

OVERHEARD LINES; or, Relaxed Fruits, or, Enlightened Culinary Styles

Dude, to dude: "Hey, I left my banana hammock in your kitchen. Can you bring that to the restaurant?"

Looney Tunes Lied To Me!, or, Midnight Snacks

Have you ever had a fundamental, foundational portion of your world-view removed, suddenly? Right before you crawl into bed? Well, I did, just now.

I turned out my light, began crossing the room, and stepped squarely on a banana. Not only did I not slip, the banana still tasted great. Footy, but great. Turns out having your cornerstones removed isn't such a big deal after all.

Poem-ish type writing of the time period

Dark and cold we may be, but this
Is no winter now. The frozen misery
Of centuries breaks, cracks, begins to move,
The thunder is the thunder of the floes,
The thaw, the flood, the upstart Spring
Thank God our time is now when wrong
Comes up to face us everwhere
Never to leave us till we take
The longest stride of soul men ever took.
-Christopher Fry

Supreme Snark, or, People Eating Tasty Animals

A lot of stuff comes into my Google Reader. Lots of lame stuff. Some not lame stuff. Medical blogs, photography blogs, friends' blogs, sports blogs. Well, you get the picture. One of my favorite posts, that I have kept "unread" for a month so I can laugh at it every time I open up Google Reader, is simply the below Bulletin Board WIN.